Monthly Archives: February 2013

rather saddening.

awkwardness in the midst of talking.

disappeared form of address.

inability to face up to each other.

“Once in a lifetime means there’s no second chance so I believe that you and me should grab it while we can…”
For some reason it just feels that we aren’t that close anymore. It really sucks to know that just one joke has led to all of this awkwardness between us right now…

what did i do wrongly?

i’ll start from ytd. everything was fine when i was sending you home. then suddenly i joked abt sth and poof, u said i was irritating and u didnt wanna talk to me. so u ignored me and played your game. i didnt know what to say cuz u would say i was super irritating and that would further worsen matters so i kept quiet and let u play. then i tried again, while we were on the escalator, i tried to ask u what was wrong and tried to talk it off. but u ignored me and u walked. u walked straight out of the mrt gate without even looking back. i stood there like a total idiot until u disappeared from sight. then i texted you to apologize and ask what was wrong. you just said i was irritating and u didnt wanna talk to me. so okay, i thought that since things were like that i should let u cool off before talking to u so i went back to co on the pretext that i was itching to play erhu. i told u i was in co and i would ttyl so that u could cool off. so i left it at that. then after co i texted you again to apologize yet again and to tell u that i was just kidding. u didnt reply cuz u were in tuition. i texted u again twice to try to help u with ur work. u ended tuition and u replied me to say u didnt intend to do it anymore. u didnt reply my text abt me apologizing. i thought okay maybe i shouldnt ask in case u thought i was irritating. so i asked whether u were home and i asked u to sleep early. that didnt work at all, i just got “okay” and “yupps okay”. i thought maybe i shd ask at that point of time so i texted u again to ask why u were so dao or were u just tired. u didnt reply that too. then u reached home and u said u didnt wanna meet me on 27th feb. u said u wanna go celebrate xr bday. so at that point in time i really didnt know what to do anymore. i apologized again and again and said i was kidding, but i just got called irritating again. i asked u whether u were tired or maybe it was cuz u wanted to scold me abt sth but i got ignored. i got told that u didnt wanna meet me on our 15th month, and i had actually prepared a letter and some chocolates for u though we had said we dont needa prep anything. but i did and i wanted to give it to u. but poof, u didnt wanna meet me so there wasnt anything i could do at all. then u asked me to go sleep. i wanted to talk to u abt it all but knowing u, i know u wouldnt have wanted to talk abt it so i just went off to sleep. ytd night just ended like that, if u ask me i would say i dont know what i did wrongly and why u were so cold towards me at all. i tried to apologize, i tried to ask and solve the prob but nope, i got zero response towards that. i woke up today morning hoping that maybe u would have cooled down ytd night and told me what u were so unhappy abt. but nope, nothing at all. so i really didnt know what to do anymore. if i had asked u again i bet i would have gotten ignored yet again. i couldnt pretend nth was wrong and just talk like normal, i was far too frustrated. so i left it as that and didnt say anything and just left house. i was upset the whole day, i couldnt concentrate on my lessons at all, i was not even happy for the whole day. ask my classmates, i didnt smile and laugh like normal. i was thinking what i could do to help the situation but i couldnt think of anything. i thought that talking to u would just be like what had happened ytd, i would get called irritating and would get very cold replies. so i didnt text you the whole day. then 2.30 came. i wanted to ask to meet u, but then again, i rmb u had said that u didnt wanna meet me. exact words: “nvm its okay dont want meet u tomorrow”. those words reverberated in my mind so i told myself that i shd respect that and just shut up. saw u twice in sch for the day but i really didnt know what to do or say. apologizing or asking what was wrong got me ignored. then u walked past my classroom. i looked away, cuz i really didnt know what expression to show when u looked towards me. even venetia could see i was really upset and she asked me what was wrong. i said “i dont know, ask yushui” cuz i really didnt know what i did wrongly and why i was receiving such cold treatment. she asked me “how can like that” and i only could reply “like that lor let it be” cuz i really tried to apologize and ask for what i did wrongly but nth worked. so there, co prac started. enzio asked me to teach the j1 so i did. okay and co prac was quite enjoyable cuz it was rather relaxing. so throughout the practice my mood got lifted a little and i finally gathered some motivation to ask u what was wrong. i walked back to the co room and there u were, just walking off. i tried to stop u and all i got was “im going home with her”. what could i do? i got my bag and walked after u two. caught up inside the mrt station. i stood right beside the two of u and i got treated like glass. ignored, the conversation between u two went on. stuck again, couldnt ask what was wrong. so when the train came i tried to stop u. but u said “dont care him lah lets go”. okay. i really didnt know what to do anymore so i just walked away and got onto the train. my text to u to ask whether u wanted to talk abt it just got me a one word reply. “nope”. so now here i am, i dont know what to do anymore. i have tried apologizing, i have tried asking u what was wrong, i have gathered up the courage to ask and i failed.  tell me what i should do? i know it may be hard for u to talk abt it but at least u could have given me some hint abt what i did wrongly so i can at least guess. but no, nth at all, im left with nth to guess with. i really am stuck now. sometimes i really wonder why these things happen. i was just kidding and u know it, but i got called irritating and i got ignored all the way. subsequent replies were cold and attempts to try to ask for the problem failed miserably. trying to talk to u face to face failed too. what do u want from me? i’ve put in so much effort to try, i’ve really tried to help u with ur work, i’ve tried my best to appear happy and not tired(though i failed a few times) so that u didnt have to face a dead boyfriend, i’ve tried to do all i can to support u. but just one joke landed me into the “ignore” zone. its really true that ppl say that u can do a million good things but one bad deed will land u into eternal condemnation. i really am not even asking u to acknowledge my efforts to help u, im not asking for anything in return, im not even complaining. i do it all willingly and happily. but now all i want to know is what the hell i did wrongly and why i am getting this treatment now. it really is quite unfair u know, to have tried and tried so hard, but just cuz of one joke i get ignored and i dont even get told what i did wrongly. if things are like that i really dk how i can solve this prob at all.

reblog from FB

just saw sth quite touching on fb and i decided to put it here tgt with some thoughts! 🙂

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything. Love never perishes , even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal. Beauty can be destroyed , but not love. ♥

this whole story is quite touching. though nth like this has happened to us, but it reminded me yet again abt the importance of finding and giving time to bb no matter how busy i may be with my life. its always the quality time that we spend tgt that will keep our rs going, and no matter what happens in our rs, we just have to rmb what matters the most, and what matters the most is that we have to cherish our rs that we have built up so painstakingly and not let it all be demolished just because we have the wrong thought that it isnt meant to be. fate has brought us tgt, time has proven our love and it’s up to us to cherish and treasure what we have. never gonna let what we have slip away from us, iloveyou bb ❤

CO camp :)

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Shall blog about co camp! 🙂 so co camp started on fri 22nd Feb! 🙂 it was sucha rush on that day and omg damn tiring siaaa haha! ended sch at 3.30 and rushed home to pack and bathe then back to sch again by 6.30! really tired and zombiefied cuz i was super deprived of sleep haha! but okay glad bb slept for 3h at home then at least she wasnt so tired for the camp! 🙂 so they started the briefing and blablabla, then it was louhei! was looking for bb to see when she would arrive cuz i was quite worried she’ll miss out on louhei! but okay she arrived with serene and mush in the end hahah almost wanted to go out to look for her! then after louhei we went back to co room to split into groups! woohoo group 7 was awesome hehehe cuz bb was in my group! 😉 really wanted to form a group 9 HAHAH which consists of me and bb only :p okay but yucks the flirty and super two faced chuaxuan was my co-groupleader omg damn erxin the way he treats ppl is just damn disgusting! totally fake lah okay shall not talk abt him haha! so anw we started with ice breakers! and i realised how stoned i was cuz i couldnt even get enthu abt it hahah! lack of sleep makes a v dead jiajie! then after that was nightwalk! quite boring ah the whole thing but okay lah managed to survive it! 🙂 then everyone was so tired after that haha poor bb had to sleep on the chairrrr! really wanted to tell her to go to sleep but okay dk why she ended up not sleeping then until i bathe finish then everyone went to their dorms! texted bb for awhile and realised idk what i was talking abt cuz i was just too tired haha! really wanted to ton the night with bb but then okay cmi i really needed some sleep hah! so anw managed to grab a few hours of sleep and woke up at like 7.15! super tired and zombiefied omgggg! then went to wash up and went to co room! bb came after awhile and then it was like breakfast! damn dumb ah give us bread and those jam all those! haha wanted to help bb make a sandwich but she didnt wanna eat #sad! hahahaha! talked to bb mush and serene there for awhile then back to co room for some target setting! omg enzio damn noisy can hahaha! then it was splitting into sections for activities! i slept on the hard bench while huqin had dk what activities! so tiredddd dk why also! then after that was lunch! went with weiyi and huqin to eat chicken rice! really sorry to bb cuz i think i made her think that i was angry but okay i wasnttt i was just super tired then grumpy! omg must change this really! at least cannot be grumpy to bb when im tired cuz its baddd will give her a scare one! then i came back and slept in co room. omg bb and mush took pic lahhhh okay but nvm hhaha let bb take cuz i made her think i was angry accidentally! >< then running man time! omg damn hot and tiring lah but heheh damn fun ^^ bb enjoyed it too hahaha 😀 co camp shd have more time for running man lah 😉 then after that was the mass games! shoe game and captains ball! omg shoe game damn violent hahahah really wanted to ask bb to just stand at the side so she wouldnt get hurt! then captains ball was bb’s fav! 😉 omg bb play damn well lah she tall enough can defend then she also could catch and pass the ball well! applause for bb *claps* 😉 hahaha then was back to co room for prizes and debrief! omg group 7 won group with most sportsmanship hahaha not baddd! 🙂 then it was pic time! for some reason weizhen wanted to take pic with us hahah so weird lahhh hahaha!!! then me and bb went to batheee omg cant believe the toilet actually got hot water leh! i was so tired i stood in there and let the water beat on me like some sauna hahah damn shiokkk! sorry bb though for making u wait so long for meee 😦 hahaha then it was tzechar time with bb! 🙂 ordered fried rice, kang kong and bb’s noodles haha all the food that bb wanted! i dont really like this kind of food cuz im more used to eating fast food or subway all those but okay since bb likes it i shall also like it too so i can accomodate her and eat what she wants! 😉 BE PROUD BB FOR MAKING ME LIKE COFFEESHOP ALSO 😀 quite a fun meal haha cuz bb ate so much vegesss 😀 haha then it was bus ride home! as usual bus ride was funny hahah it was like we went to the bus to take photos HAHAHA super funny!!!! love bus rides with bb really cuz its like always so funnn we always have our best times on the bus! 🙂 and bb is super cute lahhh omgggg she stick out her tongue omggg *melts* hahaha 😀 then we ate ice cream! omg tiramisu is niceee haha but bb said not nice! okay nvm hahahh i just love the time spent with bb today!!! 😀 its like i can feel the connection between us, between our hearts!!! 😀 though there are always times in our rs that will make us feel upset, upset abt each other, upset abt how things are etc, but there are far more happy times that make all those bad times seem worth it! bb may not be the perfect girl in other ppl’s eyes, but to me she is perfect in ALL aspects and i am really vvv contented with the love we have! 😀 i just absolutely love her innocence, and actually if i put myself in her shoes, i can see that she is actually a vvv simple and innocent girl just wanting to be loved and just wanting to be happy. really hope i can have zero instances where i make bb sad in future cuz i know she doesnt wanna do anything to harm anyone, she just wants to be happy! 🙂 it was really heartwarming when bb was so worried that sth was wrong and wanted to buy bbtea and stuff for me when i was grumpy! super touching though i didnt express how i felt 🙂 and seeing bb just always makes my day cuz idk why i just see a certain beauty in her that i dont see in ANY other girl! other girls may be pretty like how ppl perceive them to be, but okay i dont really have any interest in other girls anymore its more like okay all other girls are the same but bb just stands out and outshines every other girl!!! 🙂 really hope to be able to continue giving bb all that i can, cuz i know i will never hold back anything and i will do all that i can without worrying that i will regret in future! i believe as long as i try my best to be the best bf ever, i wont have any regrets. i know i have found my perfect girl and time has proven and will continue proving this true. hesitant we were, at the beginning, but we took this chance and perfection is in our hands right now. this feels so real. i want our future tgt bb, i love you ❤

Vday recap + 15 Feb

Waiting for bb to be done with chem before i can sleep so i shall blog abt ytd and today! 🙂

Vday:
Ytd morning started with me meeting bb early in the morning!!! Damn crazy morning cuz bb was damnnn early hahah! So i rushed to meet her then after that she went to meet her og! Then at 2 i met bb again to pass her her gifts and take polaroids 🙂 hopefully bb really liked the gifts i gave her, cuz this year the main “boomz” for vday was actually the meticulous stuff i planned for her haha diff from last year cuz no surprise! But okay really happy with what bb gave me, loved the card esp cuz its so cute 🙂 all our gifts are on insta yea? 😉 will wear the watch daily hahah 😀 then i rushed home to get the goodies for bb and met her at 3+ again! Went nex jacks place for yumz! Mygawd the ppl damn slow there but okay food was not bad 🙂 then i gave bb her goodies! OMg lahhh she is super cute cannnnn! So excited like a little girl hahaha charm me like madddd omggg 😉 then after that was going home! 🙂 so that ended vday 2013! 🙂
Just wanna say that i hope we get to spend many many vdays tgt, and i’ll put lots of effort for every year! 🙂 hopefully bb will feel blessed and happy cuz im her bf hahha cuz i feel really loved with her too 🙂 all of the bad times we’ve had, though they were hard times, but our rs has grown so much thru it all so i really hope we’ll last long and stay strong 🙂 omg it rhymes hehe :p okay thats all for vday 2013 hahah LOVE YOUUU BB

15 Feb:
Met bb so many times today!!! 🙂 at 10-11 to teach her math, and then after 1230 at library 🙂 really fun day today cuz after my lessons we went to watch wedding diary!!! 🙂 really funny and dramatic show but omg its quite scary if such things really happen to my family next time! Never ever wanna have an affair omggg! And i think the movie is like a preview into married life and having kids! Kids are hard to take care of and i wonder if i can have so much patience next time! But okay maybe i will cuz that’ll be my child haha WHO KNOWS! Then there was also this part when the female lead had to let the client be so close to her and put her arm over her just to secure the deal! Omg so sluttish lah never ever want bb to be like that so i shall make sure bb doesnt have to work to survive!!! So dont ever needa sacrifice anything for the sake of money!!! And another thing the movie had was this line that dk the female or male lead said! Sth like “no matter wtv happened in the past, let’s stop the fighting and just continue loving”! Think its sth thats v true cuz in a rs there is bound to be conflicts! But does it matter who wins each time? Dont think it really matters cuz so what if we lose or have to give in? Its just cuz we think that our love matters more than anything else so we are able to give in to each other. Of course by saying that i dont mean that i will give in all the time no matter what happens, cuz i will never give in if i think that bb’s safety is at risk! But okay thats not the main point haha! Fights occur, but with love, forgiveness and understanding, we’ll always be able to see that what matters most in the end is not winning the fights, but instead its the love we share! Okay nice show anw 🙂 then after the show we rushed to buy bb’s food and gongcha! 🙂 really hope bb had a happy day today! 🙂 after that was co! Like omg one of the best practices ever! Though the conductor sucks ttm but i sat beside bb woohooooo 😉 fun pracccc 😀 then after that was go home with bb and serene! Okay then its now! So thats the end of my vday and 15feb blog post! 🙂

Tmr bb is gonna put new braces thingy hope she doesnt feel too much pain!!! :/ okay feeling real tired now but dk where bb issssss! 😦 but okay i think what i wanna say after ytd and today is that i love bb loads loadsssss hahahha no reason, just loveeee

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Why are you so affected by what he said? I dont even think u are mean what, i know u just feel v comfortable with me thats why u only treat me like that! Trust me, i dont think u are mean, not even abit. U make me happy like nobody else can, and u make me feel loved when nobody can give me that love. Thats why i always try to hold on to our rs and try to do all i can for u, cuz u ARE my perfect gf. Stop thinking u are mean, cuz the person who u are “mean” to (which is me) doesnt think u are mean at all, i understand u just do what you do cuz u feel comfortable. No reflection needed dear, just ask ur heart whether the both of us are happy in this rs. If the answer is yes, u shd know that u arent mean at all cuz if u are mean i wouldnt be happy. Get it?