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Ohwell i guess after what happened ytd, holding hands will be difficult, dont even needa think abt a hug. Sigh. Jiajie, why must u be like that, insecurities and fear will really ruin this whole rs. Why cant u just ignore all of it and just treat it that u’re okay with it all? Why do u have to keep on getting the same feelings and voicing out ur unhappiness? Why cant u just be the perfect bf and spare her from the need to care abt ur feelings? Why?
All i want is just for the two of us to be in love. No third parties, no lies, no secrets. Just us. So i guess whenever i feel that sth is threatening our rs, i overreact and cause u to become so sad. I really dont want to be like that, but it really is hard to control. U really mean the world to me and i think u cant even imagine how much i really love u. I can safely say that ur place in my heart is even more than anybody else can occupy, yes, even more than family. Family isnt really a very happy thing for me. Dont know why, will never know why, but family will always not be able to give me the warmth and love that i crave for. My family just isnt that closely knitted and so i dont really feel that much love from them. When we got tgt, i finally found sth to love. To give love and to receive love from. U make me feel that even though the whole world doesnt care abt me, u still will be there to be my only source of support. U make me feel that the only thing worth living for and worth putting in so much effort is now in reach. This all just makes me wanna hold onto u tightly, for fear that i will really lose everything…. The scariest thing on earth is the feeling of loneliness, do u know that? U’re the only person who can make me feel that somebody is there for me, somebody can give me the comfort i need so i really just told myself to pin all my hopes onto u, give u all that i can, make this rs work. Thats why i told u im going to australia if our rs failed. I dont think i’ll ever be able to open up and give anybody the same amount of love that im giving to u if this rs fails. U may think that i am crazily obsessed, and that i love u too much, but really, u make me feel like my true love has appeared and that i will never find anybody who will be as important to me as u are. I dont wanna scare u with all of this, just know that i love u and i really mean it, i dont say i love u because its the trend, i say it because i really do love u from the bottom of my heart. True love will make a person do anything for the other party…. I didnt sleep more than 2h last night for fear of what might happen, i really wanted to be able to come up with a solution that would make u happy, but i couldnt. I dont even like to argue with u, even if sometimes not arguing means that i will be losing so much of my pride and losing my stand. I dont care abt anything else really, even if it means allowing u to do what u want and not being able to have a say abt anything at all in our rs, i dont mind. At the end of the day, all i want is for u to be happy, and for us to continue being tgt. I really hope that i will be able to give in always, not because i dont care, but because i care too much to risk losing it all. I really am very sorry for all that i have done, and for making u feel that relationships arent worth the pain… Trust me, i really do want to change…… I know it’ll be hard for u to give me another chance to prove myself from this point onwards, i know that u’ll think that im not good enough for u now. Im really thankful that u havent said all of this to me yet, and i really hope to be able to change what u think abt me….. Really hope that we will be together, forever. I find it all so hard to tell u all of this, cuz i know i will cry alot when all of these thoughts come out of my mouth. The only way to really make me cry is to make me express how i really feel through words….

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