Trying to change.

i hope u havent cried, if u cried, im really sorry cuz i really needed some time to reflect and think. sorry. this post contains my deepest thoughts and i hope u will take some time to read and really understand what im typing and not just skim through it…

i used to hate it when u had to meetup with him, i really hated it. so i always had the thought to want u to only meetup with him only once per 2 years… and just now, i really wanted to make u make it clear to him that i am uncomfortable and u two shdnt meetup so much. that would have made me feel good, but after LOTS of thinking, i realised it was all selfish behaviour and that it would only make u feel suffocated and make u hate me more. sometimes thinking is good too.

i have finally come to the conclusion that i shdnt ever restrict when u can or cannot meetup with him again. NEVER AGAIN. im not gonna tell u that u can only meet him once every 2 years, im not gonna tell u that once every half a year is too much. im leaving it all to u. really. i just hope, i really really hope, that u will do what u think is right, and judge whether or not the meetups are too much. ohwell, this shall apply to meetups and talking to him i guess.

jiajie, be mature, not selfish. put urself in her shoes.

all i hope that u’ll do is i hope u’ll tell me what happened during the meetup like that time, and i hope u wont keep anything from me to avoid similar events just cuz of this event, i really will change so please dont keep anything from me from this point on.

no secrets no lies

well, it really takes me ALOT of courage and faith to make this decision to put things into ur hands from now on, and i really feel very insecure. insecure cuz i know i am really inferior to him, and cuz i know that the unexpected MAY happen. not that i dont trust u, i really trust u, but i dont trust him. i really am worried abt ur safety more than anything else, cuz even though u trust him, u never know what people can do when emotions take over. so yea i REALLY am worried. but oh well, i said i want to change, and i am trying now. after what u told me abt the drama, i really reflected ALOT and i really know i have loads to learn and to improve, and so i am making this decision now.

let go

this is what i think. if what im afraid of happens, then okay i’ll accept it. i do hope that our rs can withstand all of this. i really do. please know that i am making this decision which i really am very hesitant about making, all because i want to be a better bf and let u feel happier. i hope u take time and still trust me enough to come and read this post, and i hope u’ll tell me whether or not this decision is a good one. i still dont like him at all.


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